Thursday, May 7, 2009

No really...I work from home.

As if being a corporate slave is not enough, I recently decided to take on a side job to help bring home the turkey bacon. That's right, your favorite non blogging blogger has  two jobs during the recession- stunting truly is a habit, you should get like me. Now in addition to slanging cell phones, I do freelance writing for the entertainment section of rolling out magazine. While having two jobs and thus twice the responsibilities is stressful at times, I figure nothing but good will come from my current anti autonomous state. I have decided to compile a list ( because I like lists) of all the great things that are sure to be accomplished by me being doubly employed. Here goes. 

5.  I make more money so there is officially no excuse for me and Maleah neglecting to pay our $30.00 cable bill. 

4. I no longer have to cite this blog as my only writing experience. Someone ( God bless your heart DeWayne) trusts me enough to put my sh*t in print. Now- if only I can keep him from knowing that I am the mother of all procrastinators, everything will be all good. 

3. I have yet another excuse why I never update this blog. I know I only have a few fans (Anna, Maleah, Paris) but those that love me, love me hard. No homo. Well sorry to say fans, but I am going to have to continue to treat this blog like boyfriend #2. To quote and pay homage to the singing career of Vanessa Williams " I've got work to do... I've got [2]  job[s] baby."

2.  I make more money so there is officially no excuse for me and Maleah neglecting to pay our $30.00 cable bill. 

1. I have yet another thing to distract me from the apparent male recession going on in Atlanta. There is a drought going on in chocolate city and I don't like it one bit. However until I can find a man that doesn't wear skinnier skinnies than me, I might have to take up jobs #3, 4 and 5. 

Thursday, March 19, 2009

Upgrade U

Anyone who knows me will be the first to tell  you, I hate to admit when I am wrong. Yes, I am that mofo that will argue a point until my opponent is so confused they eventually agree with me. So imagine my internal struggle when I had to admit that I didn't hate Kim Kardashian... when I had to admit that in fact, I kind of like her. Now, now- be kind and let me rewind. There is no denying that Kim K is banging, but her sex tape with a certain Willie Ray Norwood left a stain on my heart and a bad taste in my mouth (and hers). He is Brandy's baby brother for Pete's sake- Brandy herself is only 1/2 famous and, while I'm no mathematician, I'm pretty sure that once you carry the 10 and move the decimal this makes him negative celebrity. Point is Kim had no shame in her game with Ray Ray (I am sure only the closest of friends call him that) and so I had no respect for her. Until now. 

Homegirl is a total upgrade. A reality TV show with two sisters that I hate to love and a beautiful...(cough...clear throat...adjust collar) did I say BEAUTIFUL fiance- she is winning. The recent March 2009 GQ spread featuring Kim and her beau only solidified this newfound like for her that I was desperately trying to deny. They are a hot couple, so hot in fact that I have already started my Christmas list for next year and at the top it says "Santa, can I be them?" Maybe my hopes are a little too high, but hey- wishful thinking never hurt nanbody. 

Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Swagger on a hundred, thousand...nothing?

When someone asks a deep, philosophical question I usually try my best to reflect and consider all possible responses before answering. So when my dear friend Amelia asked "Why doesn't Kanye West just get some pu-nani instead of wearing it on his head?" I took my time and thought about it. In fact I thought about it a lot and still, no answer. I queried family and friends. I shook a magic eight ball. I even considered converting from my nothingism to Buddhism to try and find enlightenment but that, I figured, was a bit much. It seemed I would live in the dark, uninformed and unsatisfied about this one forever. Until it came to me. That's right ladies and gents, I had an aha moment. Kanye West is a black man with a mullet because he is certified cray cray. The answer was so simple and apparent I had been overlooking it all along. I know dude has been through a lot this year, but talk about wearing your emotions on  your sleeve (and your head). Somebody who loves him needs to have an emergency intervention and I mean yesterday. I love you Yeezy but the hair, the emo album and the faux Michael Jackson garb all combined? A girl can only take so much. 

A Letter from the Editor: to my Fan(s)

Ok so maybe I don't have multiple fans quite yet...maybe ( just maybe) I only have one real fan. Maybe his name is Paris Kirk. Like all ambitious writers, when I started blogging last summer I had major plans to post something at least three times a week. I figured hey, I have no job and an opinion about everything this should be easy right? Wrong. Since I have moved to Atlanta I have treated my blog like a red headed step child. Seeing that red hair among blacks is rare and usually only occurs in those mixed kids that make you think something mixed wrong, this is especially bad. Because I don't have the money ( and possibly not the talent) for a publicist just yet, I figured it is only appropriate that I issue a letter of apology to my fan(s) for my negligence. So here goes: I mean Everyone, 
Thank you for all your support. You mean the world to me, and I mean that in the most Toni Braxton way possible. If it weren't for you reading, the fact that I think I am a writer would be less true than it already is. Other than Maleah none of you are biologically obligated to read anything that I write- and for that I am thankful. (Paris) Please forgive me, from now I blog rain, sleet or shine.

I'm back ( for real for real) and this time I am doing it for my fans (cough Paris). Just keep in mind that I'm and artist...and I'm sensitive about my sh*t. Enjoy!

Wednesday, September 24, 2008

Damn Africa, What Happened?


Nelly’s fifth album Brass Knuckles dropped last Tuesday, September 16th and well…nothing. Projected to sell less than 100,000 albums his first week, it seems our favorite Missourian has lost his mojo. Sure, sure I’m the first to admit his current Sean John Underwear campaign makes up for anything and errything he is lacking musically, but to quote The Clipse “(bird call) what happened to that boy?”
Now please don’t start singing “Hi Hater” to me. Back in the day, I was a Nelly fanatic. When, on Midwest Swing, he sang “what you think we live on the farm, Ni**a be for real!” it brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. Being from the Midwest, the most musically misguided region of the country, Nelly was a source of bragging rights. Us Midwesterners no longer had to remind people that the Jackson 5 were originally from Indiana, we had Nelly. So what happened?
Nelly has released three singles from this album and even if I was forced to choose between reciting a lyric from one of those songs and being a contestant on Flavor of Love, I couldn’t do it. And neither could you. Which brings me to the question of the day: Which multi-platinum, superstar rapper will be the next to fall off?
Now I know these are hard times in the world of record sales, but really I expect more. Longevity in hip-hop is clearly not guaranteed to anyone, and with upcoming releases from some of the genres finest including, Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Kanye and Ludacris, this should be an interesting question. I’m usually right, but what do you think?

Thursday, July 31, 2008

Guess Who's Bizzack?!

It's on... it's on, it's on and I'm home, get the Patron and tell them that it's seriously though I'm back. I know, I know I have been a wee bit negligent over the past month but I'se been busy. Laying around all summer watching SVU marathons, reading Bossip and bumming off of Maleah and JP is truly the hardknock life, but somebody has to do it. But no worries- I am back to dish on all the latest and greatest of what's hot, what's not and what's painfully mediocre. Enjoy!

Tuesday, June 17, 2008

Best Week Ever (NBA Playoff Edition)

Call me a fair weather fan, but because my hometown teams are mediocre at best (see Things That Make You Go Eh...) I usually get going when the going gets tough. Tonight however when KG screamed "This is for Minnesota" after winning his first ever NBA championship with the Boston Celtics, I felt, for the first time, proud to be a Timber wolf. No, this doesn't mean I will start supporting them or the Celtics when they are losing, but I must admit it softened my cynical heart. Read below to find out who, other than Minnesotans living vicariously through Kevin Garnett, is having the best week ever. 

1. Paul Pierce's Facial Hair
Winning makes people forgive and forget anything, including the apparent kitchen on Pierce's face. 
2.Vanessa Bryant 
Sure the Lakers lost but she is still winning. She's banging, her babies are beautiful and while we all know Kobe cheated, what he lacks in morality is made up by the fact that he is fluent in Italian. Like my man Mitch used to say, her life is goooood. 
3. Notre Dame
Goooo Irish! Go Irish! Beeeaaatttt Lakers! Beat La-  waaiiittt a minute... it's USC not the Lakers that embarrass our football team every season, but still California is California, and this is war. 
4. He Got Game
Jesus Shuttlesworth is officially an NBA champion and only Spike Lee had the foresight to see it. Now all that's left to figure out is what the hell he was thinking when he made Girl 6.
5. Doc Rivers 
Putting it down and holding it down for all the Ty Willinghams of the world. Word.