Damn Africa, What Happened?

 

Nelly’s fifth album Brass Knuckles dropped last Tuesday, September 16th and well…nothing. Projected to sell less than 100,000 albums his first week, it seems our favorite Missourian has lost his mojo. Sure, sure I’m the first to admit his current Sean John Underwear campaign makes up for anything and errything he is lacking musically, but to quote The Clipse “(bird call) what happened to that boy?”
Now please don’t start singing “Hi Hater” to me. Back in the day, I was a Nelly fanatic. When, on Midwest Swing, he sang “what you think we live on the farm, Ni**a be for real!” it brought tears to my eyes and joy to my heart. Being from the Midwest, the most musically misguided region of the country, Nelly was a source of bragging rights. Us Midwesterners no longer had to remind people that the Jackson 5 were originally from Indiana, we had Nelly. So what happened?
Nelly has released three singles from this album and even if I was forced to choose between reciting a lyric from one of those songs and being a contestant on Flavor of Love, I couldn’t do it. And neither could you. Which brings me to the question of the day: Which multi-platinum, superstar rapper will be the next to fall off?
Now I know these are hard times in the world of record sales, but really I expect more. Longevity in hip-hop is clearly not guaranteed to anyone, and with upcoming releases from some of the genres finest including, Jay-Z, 50 Cent, Kanye and Ludacris, this should be an interesting question. I’m usually right, but what do you think?

Guess Who's Bizzack?!

It's on... it's on, it's on and I'm home, get the Patron and tell them that it's on...no seriously though I'm back. I know, I know I have been a wee bit negligent over the past month but I'se been busy. Laying around all summer watching SVU marathons, reading Bossip and bumming off of Maleah and JP is truly the hardknock life, but somebody has to do it. But no worries- I am back to dish on all the latest and greatest of what's hot, what's not and what's painfully mediocre. Enjoy!

Best Week Ever (NBA Playoff Edition)

Call me a fair weather fan, but because my hometown teams are mediocre at best (see Things That Make You Go Eh...) I usually get going when the going gets tough. Tonight however when KG screamed "This is for Minnesota" after winning his first ever NBA championship with the Boston Celtics, I felt, for the first time, proud to be a Timber wolf. No, this doesn't mean I will start supporting them or the Celtics when they are losing, but I must admit it softened my cynical heart. Read below to find out who, other than Minnesotans living vicariously through Kevin Garnett, is having the best week ever. 

1. Paul Pierce's Facial Hair

Winning makes people forgive and forget anything, including the apparent kitchen on Pierce's face. 

2.Vanessa Bryant 

Sure the Lakers lost but she is still winning. She's banging, her babies are beautiful and while we all know Kobe cheated, what he lacks in morality is made up by the fact that he is fluent in Italian. Like my man Mitch used to say, her life is goooood. 

3. Notre Dame

Goooo Irish! Go Irish! Beeeaaatttt Lakers! Beat La-  waaiiittt a minute... it's USC not the Lakers that embarrass our football team every season, but still California is California, and this is war. 

4. He Got Game

Jesus Shuttlesworth is officially an NBA champion and only Spike Lee had the foresight to see it. Now all that's left to figure out is what the hell he was thinking when he made Girl 6.

5. Doc Rivers 

Putting it down and holding it down for all the Ty Willinghams of the world. Word. 

I've Got a Golden Ticket!

Either retire or go to rehab but something has to happen, and I mean now. Before The Carter III dropped I promised myself to not dedicate an entire post to Lil' Weezy and all his foolishness but I can't resist. I could forgive the tattoos on the eyelids. I could. I could forgive the fact that you often refer to yourself as a martian. Although the shit is weird and indicative of drug abuse, I overlooked it. With that being said, I clearly also forgave you for being a crack head. Because I didn't feel like  you were at the point of having these cheeesseebuurggeeerrrss, I turned a blind eye. But this jump, this frolic if you will... I will not forgive. This picture reminds me of all things gleeful, specifically Corbin Bleu. As my comrade (and partial roommate) Dom put it- you are a GANGSTER RAPPER, no one should ever be able to say they have a photo of you resembling a Disney character, but damnit they do. In most cases rappers can make anything, and I mean anything look cool. But readers take a moment out of your day wherever you are and try to reenact that jump then tell me how it feels...exxaacctly. No homo. 

With help from Mali ( from Cali) and Dom, the Roommate. 

Burn After Reading

I am geeked about this movie- nuff said. 

Hawaiian Silky

Long hair, I gotsta care. Lloyd and his locks are putting women everywhere to shame and there is only one thing left to say- how often does this negro shampoo and condition? I love his hair like The Dream loves yo' girl, plus this song and video are hot. Hype Williams lives up to the hype with his one, making me wish I had stars for eyes and an ethereal booty to match. 
                              

Things That Make You Go Eh...

Randy Moss is a clown indeed, but at least he gave the Minnesota Vikings a little bit of character. He always made me proud to bleed purple and gold. Even when Moss, upon being asked how he planned to pay for a NFL fine, replied "straight cash homey" I stood by his side. I stood by his side because with him the Vikings won and well... he was at the very least interesting. Yes this response was indicative of the kind of ignorance that makes you question whether or not someone ate lead paint as a child, but everyone has their faults. Moss was a lot of things. Country? Yes. Illiterate? Maybe. Entertaining? Undeniably so. 

This Mossian nostalgia has no doubt been ignited because the current Vikings are so damn unexceptional. They aren't good. They aren't bad. They are just mediocre- stuck dead smack in the middle between winning the Super Bowl and playing for the Miami Dolphins. In light of this mediocrity I have decided to make a list of things that, unlike C & C Music Factory, do not "make you go hmm." These things instead make you go "eh"- you know, the grunt that signifies partial disinterest. Enjoy. 

1. The Minnesota Vikings

For the most part the players are mildly attractive, mildly literate and only mildly talented.

2. The Minnesota Timberwolves

Ok so maybe Minnesota isn't the best place for athletics. Although I put on for my city (on on for my city) I have to admit the T-Wolves just aren't that great.

3. Lil' Waynes The Carter III

Remember the point in the Temptations Movie when David Ruffin starts to refer to himself in the third person- that's where Weezy is in his career. Straight crazy. His lyrics on the album are aiigghhtt, but mostly the The Carter III is a lazy slur of well...aiigghhtt lyrics. 

4. Hillary Clinton 

While she lost to Obama (which rocks my world) I can't let this shadow the fact that she indeed did lose and thus is a LA-WHO-ZA-HER. I guess this doesn't necessarily make her mediocre, but you catch my drift. 

5. Amy Winehouse post racial slurs

Because racism went out of style like 40 years ago, it makes everything less cool including her music and that damn bee hive. 

Say It Loud...

Tuesday night was a lot of things. It was monumental. It was historical. It was a defining. It was redefining. Yes, as Barack Obama became the first African-American Democratic nominee for President, Tuesday night indeed proved to be all of the aforementioned. But it also proved to be something more. Something that an American president has never been. Something that the white house, by sheer definition of its name, could never be. Tuesday night was black. As Barack and Michelle Obama embraced  each other on stage at the Excel Center in St. Paul, Minnesota to announce their hard-fought victory, they practiced what I like to call a "code" interaction. That's right- they did some shit that only other black people would understand. They dapped each other up. While many may have recognized the exchange, the meaning of that dap at that moment can only be understood within a specific cultural context. I absolutely loved it.

The thing that I love even more, the thing that completely and utterly thrills me is the medias attempt to describe the gesture, calling it a "fist bump" or a "closed hand high-five." Think The 6th Sense when only the little boy could see Bruce Willis, but less morbid- only black people could see and understand the true immensity of that interaction. The dap reminded me of a speech of Obama's that I watched on television a while back. As Obama entered the auditorium, embracing fans as he made his way to the stage, someone yelled out "I LOVE YOU OBAMA!" 

What made this moment in his campaign so substantial was not the fact that he has a prince-like ability to make women scream "I LOVE YOU" and subsequently throw their panties on the stage -instead it was Barack's response which was simply "and I love you back." Now to the untrained ear, this response is nothing more than Obama's way of establishing a good rapport with his followers. For black people however, this response meant not only was Barack black, but he was black for real for real. This response meant that at some point in his life, Obama has watched Martin Lawrence's You So Crazy- one of the most popular comedic stand ups in black culture.  That's right, for once there is an African-American running for public office that is not trying to pass- and it tickles me so. As I wait intently, patiently for November 2008, Obama has surely got me invoking the Godfather of soul- singing off key, but with pride "SAY IT LOUD, IM BLACK AND I'M PROUD!"

IF this had happened THEN I would be upset

It's funny how destiny works sometimes. Yes I am a self-proclaimed Sylvia Brownian so I know everything happens for a reason and I know that certain things are orchestrated by a higher power. But this was unreal. Last night as I lay in bed, watching television over the phone with JP (the long distance relationship version of spending quality time) I expressed to him my extreme detest for Chris Brown's new song Forever. Now I must admit, when it comes to Chris Brown, I usually ain't too proud to beg, but this song had me rethinking our fictitious, R. Kelly-like relationship. But I digress. As I laid in bed, rambling on about the egregiousness of the tune, something happened. And not just anything, something big. In true Exodus fashion, the good lawd himself stepped in and played the video for Forever. Now, I am no religious zealot, but I recognize the work of GOD, and nothing could have been more perfect in that moment. I no longer needed to use words like "abysmal" or "homosexual club banger" to describe the song, JP could now see the ridiculousness for himself. Maybe said Mr. Brown was influenced by the techno craze that seems to have possessed his girl Ri Ri, but this is a classic case of when bad music happens to good people.  As my militant, yet insightful beau put it "Chris Brown you already dance too much, how are people going to respect you now?" Get it together C. Breezy. Get it together. While listening to the song hurts my heart, this experience has taught me several things. 1. Long distance relationships truly can be fruitful with the help of cable television 2. Everyone, including Chris Brown, can be wrong. And I mean very wrong 3. All the time GOD is good, GOD is good all the time. Amen. 

Best Week Ever

A few things that have made this week the best week ever...well maybe calling it the best week ever is a little gratuitous, but you get what I'm saying...

1. The "Lollipop" remix featuring Kanye West                                                                          

Excweeze me Weezy, but I think Kanye just dissed you on your own track. Yup. He did. 

2. Barack Obama captured a majority of the pledged delegates                                              

 A minority captured the majority- ain't that about a bitch?! I love it. 

3. Victoria Secret Semi-Annual Sale            

Just because you get your "Sexy Can I" on for half the price doesn't make you cheap, right? Right.                        

4. The season premiere of So You Think You Can Dance                                                              

Remember when Denzel said "King Kong ain't got shit on me?" IF SYTYCD could talk that is exactly what it would say to "Americas Best Dance Crew" and "Dancing with the Stars." Either that or "hoe sit down." Both would suffice. 

5. N.E.R.D on the Cover of the Source Magazine     

N.E.R.D has been my favorite band since I was a youngin' so it's nice to see that they are finally beginning to receive some recognition. That, plus Pharrell makes me want to sing all those high notes from the Dream's "Falsetto"... I'm like ooh ooh baby... aah aah aah ohh!

Wild 'N Out...For Real

While my fictive cousin Ari insisted that this buffoonish couple should be ignored, I can't fight the feeling. I gotta do it. And I can't even be articulate about it. In fact I want to use every expletive known to man.... what the F*#% is wrong with Nick Cannon and Mariah Carey? I know I only recently moved from the middle of nowhere, Indiana but damn Africa...what happened? What did I miss? Sure I am familiar with the adage "you can't help who you love" but really... these lovers just need help. Of course they are no Bobby and Whitney, but you can not deny the bizarreness of their marriage, tattoos and massive wedding rings. Did I drink too much haterade or is this just really weird. My money is on the latter. 

These are a Few of My Favorite Things...

So I just graduated from college and... nothing. Commencement speakers and family members alike insisted that graduation would be monumental, that my life would change drastically. Everyone (and they mommas) promised me that a diploma would be a mark of distinction, something that only the best of the best and the brightest of the brightest receive. So why do I feel so...normal. Nothing has changed. In fact graduation and all of its fluff was rather anticlimactic. Actually instead of stepping out into the world with a new perspective- here I lay in my bed like I have for the past four summers wondering why, if global warming is real, is Minnesota so damn cold? So instead of letting my mind (that someone just paid 200,000 dollars to cultivate) go to waste, I have decided to blog. That's right. Every week, day or really whenever I get bored or have something to say, I have decided to write down my random thoughts with the hope that someone listens, reads, reacts, laughs or feels the same way. So because graduation did not change my life (the way that every Hallmark card writer had hoped) I have decided to celebrate other random, ridiculous shit. These are a few of my favorite things... hope you like.